The guesthouse opened a whole new perspective. I had never conversed let alone seen a foreign person in my life before. I felt like “now I see the world, I see reality more clearly.” My mind, body, everything was full of energy. I started to pick up words in different languages, my boss taught me how to play the Digdoo instrument. It became a spare time hobby to play it on the streets. When I was 19 years old a Canadian woman approached me and offered me to be a part of her workshop in Goa. She needed someone to play this instrument to heal patience of hers. I couldn’t refuse the offer: moving to South India, having shelter and food provided, as well as 1,000 Rps per night. My life couldn’t have been any more sorted. She opened my eyes in a more spiritual way by teaching me how to heal people with my instrument and how to teach and practice yoga and meditation. I would do this job seasonally and then come back to the guesthouse for the rest of the year.
I met a very special girl when I was 21 at the guesthouse. I can not tell you how much she took my breath away. She was from Israel and studying Ayurvedic medicine. I fell in love. We would go on trips around India together and spend unforgettable days. For 2 years our love was so strong and incomprehensible. It was tough because she was only able to come seasonally, study for 4 months, go away for 3 months and then come back again for 4 months. But we managed, during the time apart I was busy with work just as she was back home in Israel.
After two years it started to become difficult though... I couldn’t help myself but fulfil my needs somehow. We remained another 3 years together but I couldn’t do this relationship anymore. I had to tell her the truth and come clean. I was heartbroken to tell her but telling the truth is better than living a lie, you know. My heart shattered into more pieces when she revealed she hadn’t been so honest herself in the past 5 years!
Even though I felt like dying on the inside, looking back from the beginnings of my simple life to then falling into a very active one, the most beautiful moment was the flow of love. Sure, we have our ups and downs and what happened with the Israeli girl was out of my control but finally if something just doesn’t FEEL right it is SENSELESS to force something to work.
I felt I had to make something of myself and that she needed that too. That is love too – letting go even though deep down you may not want to. I set up a market stall which I can proudly call my own and still have it ‘til this day. The time came for me to get married and I would joke to everyone if they knew anybody. My sister and mother both showed me a picture of a girl. Oh my gosh, how could this be?! I knew this girl! We worked together when I was at 10th grade selling clothes! How did this girl come into my life in another time? My sister and mother both didn’t know that we knew each other. When I saw her something clicked, it felt like it was meant to be. So I agreed to get to know each other and we got married. Now we have a baby boy and I couldn’t be any happier with my life.
One thing I have learnt about love is that you should not have any expectations or make any assumptions. It is inextricable to explain the power that one feels when you are attracted to someone. One glimpse and that can even feel intensely electrifying- like “kick” in your stomach and your eyes. You enjoy it from within when you are caught up in that moment. Even when there is distance you can still feel that person with the vibrations of your heart (he breaths in), it’s like light being brought into your being.
Mediation can be taught, the position, the breathing, what and how to imagine but to really feel it from within nobody can truly teach you how and what to feel. It’s not the same for you or I, it’s more about the journey, I can not explain any further as feelings can not be described sometimes, just as love can not be understood if it is not felt from within.
Anonymous, Age 30.
Interview created & edited by Yasmine Tanwidjaja-Pajares
Photograph taken by Yasmine Tanwidjaja-Pajares
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